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Wednesday, January 13, 2010

If you're looking to be happy, don't read

I haven't been on for quite a while now, and haven't wanted to because I have had nothing pleasant to say. So if you don't want to be depressed, this may not be the post for you.
I've had some major problems lately with trying to stay upbeat and positive. As you know if you've read in the past, I went vegan, to try and bring my diabetes under control. I thought it was working. Til I went for my blood test results. My doctor sternly told me to stop, showing my numbers to back up all he said. Yes, nothing changed and the things that did were for the worse. I feel defeated. I'm on my last chance to improve, I have 3 weeks left then it's insulin. The way my glucose is going, it's inevitable. I ask myself everyday through tears, if I'm that afraid of failing health, and dying from this disease, why am I still continuing in the same destructive pattern? Why do I give in to the temptations? Why when I should be exercising am I turning into the proverbial couch potato? I don't know the answers. I watch programs on weight loss, where people have such great support systems. I have none. Not my husband, family members, or friends, which I only have 1 of. She's a psychologist, and I'm not going to burden her with my problems after the day to day routine of her job. I've found support systems can't be forced, it's a natural trait of those that truly want to be there for you. I know all the answers, the rules; I founded several chapters in the past of T.O.P.S., (Take off Pounds Sensibly,) and can help others lose. But not myself. I guess there has to be some kind of inner love that motivates one. I don't have it. You'd think my husband, who's neck high in my medical bills, would be supportive. But let's just say, without getting into our personal life, that that's not going to happen. I couldn't get him to walk with me if either of our lives depended on it, which actually mine does. I feel alone, deserted, desperate, and so depressed and scared. So this is why I haven't been here lately. I knew the next time I posted it wouldn't be for fun. This is my life right now, and I'm just plain tired.
I won't burden any of you, my dear friends, with this anymore. My posts from now on will be only when I can muster up something to be happy about. Right now, there is just nothing.


Tolentreasures said...

Laurie, I am so sorry that you are so down. Have you told the doctor your feelings? Maybe you need a little "perk-up" drug to get you through this. Could some of the problems be hormonal? menopausal? Mild clinical depression can be treated so easily and can just be temporary. Tell your friend. I am sure that she wants to know.


AverettLadyNana said...

So very sorry you are having problems with your diabetes. Wish I were closer so we could walk together. I don't have anyone to walk with either. My walking buddy moved years ago.

Before that walking buddy I used to walk my dogs but they are on invisible fencing and do NOT walk on leashes, will not leave the yard unless in car. can't see driving them out to the street to go for a walk. Husband isn't able to walk and he should but can't because of neuropathy REALLY BAD.

Remember my kitty Daisy who was SO ILL last year and Dr. thought she had leukemia or lymphoma then didn't as she gained weight and blood went up. Well guess that was a fluke. She got really sick right before this Christmas. I took her in and lymphoma was full blown. Well, no test but Dr. could feel masses in her intestines, kidneys, etc. And she was showing symptoms getting worse as the day went on of it in her spine. Had to put her to sleep on the 21st. Same vet who had to do my lab in 2000 on Dec. 23. She and her asst. and I sat and held her and cried together. I stayed with her during the process. Picked up her ashes after Christmas. They gave me a dog's . . . I was so upset I found out as I got in the car...went back...what was so sad that dog Misty Campbell had died Feb. 09 and owner had not picked up her ashes. I was relieved the found Daisy's and brought her home. But feel so sad for Misty.

Sew something!!! And take a walk and reward yourself with some sewing time!!

Diane said...

Oh, Laurie, I knew there was some reason you hadn't posted for a while. I'm sorry your life is not good right now. Don't underestimate your blogging friends. We're here not just for the good stuff but to be here for you during the bad stuff.

Do you have to have somebody to walk with? Can you walk one of your dogs? Maybe if you get out in the fresh air it will help you feel just a little better. I really can't give you advice on your diabetes but is there a support group there? Remember you can write to me anytime and I'll answer. Don't feel alone, you aren't. Blessings, Diane

Kim said...

Laurie, I know exactly how you feel except I haven't been diagnosed with diabetes. I should lose weight and exercise and have done well at it in the past, but gained it all back and can't muster up the umpf I need to do it regularly. My husband isn't supportive either! I have found support at my local CURVES. It's just for women and I do better getting their when I have someone to go with. Maybe you could find one and get a buddy. Don't you think it is hard to stay positive this time of year when we don't get much sun, we're cold, and stuck indoors a lot? I wish we were closer and we could walk together!

Jayne said...

((((Laurie)))) You could never "burden" us with anything my dear. You are trying so hard, and I am so sorry that the numbers did not reflect that fact. But, you have to know that even though the numbers themselves did not show it, you ARE healthier by eating the way you have been. I am so sorry you don't have the support you need, but fully understand. I have to skedaddle and get Sam to school, but will email you later my friend.

sharon said...

I'm sorry your going through such a rough time too. How about trying small steps to reach your fitness goals? Try taking a small walk around the block, just even 10 or 15 minutes a day will make a difference. Take a slow pace to start, and gradually over weeks increase your walking speed and slowly work up to a 20 or 30 minute walk a day, you will notice a difference. Also I agree with Cathy's comment tell your friend, she could be a big help to you.

andsewon said...

Its what friends are for Laurie....;-)
Big hugs com'n atcha!
Call that pal I am sure she is willing with a caring shoulder.
We all are this way or those that will admit it... if I had not got sick I would still be toting those 15 pds I have lost!!! 'Someone' is telling me to take this blessing of sorts and run with it to lose 15 more.. so sure hope my warped brain listens!!
I think a dietitian could help too see if insurance will cover that.
Big hugs,

quiltingnana said...

you are not alone...I often found that the quiet time I had when I was walking alone was in some ways refreshing...thinking about each step as a step toward progress. I looked around, noticed little things, took big breaths of fresh air...all of that helped.
Also, when I was really down, I journaled...nobody saw it but me...but it felt good get my frustrations out. I find that keeping busy is my therapy...and the idea to sew was wonderful...when I quilt something I see progress.

Colleen said...

Hi Laurie*
I do understand your feelings and I'm sorry you are having such a crappy time - you know blogging is not just about the good times, but for heko & support for the bad as well. We're here for each other and you can always let us help you. So, please, use your voice not only for jokes and laughter, but for asking for help when you need it..

Melinda Cornish said...

oh Laurie, I know all about battling depression and I am here if you need me.....I take and antidepressant and it does help...just accepted that I have too......I would try small bits of exercise...it takes 14 times to make a new habit.....the hardest thing is getting started...I know you can do it......five minutes of exercise is better than o minutes......it sounds like your eating habits are better, that is a positive....just hang in there. I am here if you need me.....