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Wednesday, January 13, 2010

If you're looking to be happy, don't read

I haven't been on for quite a while now, and haven't wanted to because I have had nothing pleasant to say. So if you don't want to be depressed, this may not be the post for you.
I've had some major problems lately with trying to stay upbeat and positive. As you know if you've read in the past, I went vegan, to try and bring my diabetes under control. I thought it was working. Til I went for my blood test results. My doctor sternly told me to stop, showing my numbers to back up all he said. Yes, nothing changed and the things that did were for the worse. I feel defeated. I'm on my last chance to improve, I have 3 weeks left then it's insulin. The way my glucose is going, it's inevitable. I ask myself everyday through tears, if I'm that afraid of failing health, and dying from this disease, why am I still continuing in the same destructive pattern? Why do I give in to the temptations? Why when I should be exercising am I turning into the proverbial couch potato? I don't know the answers. I watch programs on weight loss, where people have such great support systems. I have none. Not my husband, family members, or friends, which I only have 1 of. She's a psychologist, and I'm not going to burden her with my problems after the day to day routine of her job. I've found support systems can't be forced, it's a natural trait of those that truly want to be there for you. I know all the answers, the rules; I founded several chapters in the past of T.O.P.S., (Take off Pounds Sensibly,) and can help others lose. But not myself. I guess there has to be some kind of inner love that motivates one. I don't have it. You'd think my husband, who's neck high in my medical bills, would be supportive. But let's just say, without getting into our personal life, that that's not going to happen. I couldn't get him to walk with me if either of our lives depended on it, which actually mine does. I feel alone, deserted, desperate, and so depressed and scared. So this is why I haven't been here lately. I knew the next time I posted it wouldn't be for fun. This is my life right now, and I'm just plain tired.
I won't burden any of you, my dear friends, with this anymore. My posts from now on will be only when I can muster up something to be happy about. Right now, there is just nothing.